My last week on the farm...

OK it's official. I have less then one week left in my farming adventure. It feels really weird to be so close to being done...so close to having to leave the country and head back to city life. Honestly, I'm not sure how exactly I feel about this impending transition, (translation - I've really enjoyed not wearing makeup or giving two craps about how I dirty I look) but I guess next Saturday, November 26th I will rejoin real life. boo. Real life is overrated.



Mystic Twig could not have been a better place to finish up my farming work. Though I have worked quite hard here, it has also been full of self-reflection, exploration and the start of a deeper understanding of the world and my place in it. I know, I know...it's so hippy! Peace, Love and Understanding everyone!

It is so funny that a place that can incite such personal transformation can also be the same place that I've had the most encounters with things that could kill me. Like legitimately destroy me...I'm not even over exaggerating.


1) Snakes - Those sneaky chicken-eating pythons...


The other night we waited a little too late before we locked up the chickens safely and the resident python (Let's call him Mr. Bitey) had already snuck into the chicken pen and set up shop about 1 foot away from a chicken.

Literally one foot away.


The chicken was practically being made into a club sandwich while it slept. Actually I don't even think it was asleep, I just think it was being stupid.




Anyways, Rico (the farmer) is actually quite scared of snakes so even though he has one of those giant poles that strangles the snake from afar, he still needed me to come into the chicken pen and hold the flashlight for him. Yeah...trapped in the chicken pen with a 4ft hungry python!


Everything was going just fine (well as fine as you can be standing in a dark chicken pen while trying to get a little noose around a python...) when all of a sudden another chicken just seemed to spontaneously realize there was a giant snake in its vicinity and blasted itself off of the roost and into my face. Literally, with a loud "BBRRRAAAACKK" it hit me in the face.


For a brief moment I completely lost visual on the snake (which is terrifying) and all I saw was...

Rico was so focused on the snake that he didn't even realize a chicken flew by him and hit me in the face...also I was too worried about losing my view of the snake that I didn't even flinch as a chicken bounced off of me.

All in all, we got the snake out of the chicken pen and ended up abandoning it by throwing the snake-catching pole (with the snake still all wrapped around it) into the middle of the grass and running away.


2) Leeches

You know, if someone were to ask me one of the perks of living on land my answer would be, hands down - no leeches.

Alas, leave it to Australia to develop some sort of supernatural land leeches.

This hippy farm is crawling with land leeches...or as I call them, Tube Vampires. You find them crawling half way up your leg and wonder how long they have been on your body. Rico once told me he had one "go internal" and they wanted to surgery it out. GO INTERNAL!? I'm going to pretend that means one crawled up his nose.

Anyways these are real vampires, they totally like suck you blood and stuff but I'd like to see over-sexed teenagers and under-sexed housewives run screaming for the Tube Vampire.

I guess the Tube Vampire probably couldn't kill me...unless there was like a million of them...gross.


3) Ticks

Yep, I found a tick in my underwear the second day I was here. Enough said.

I honestly cannot even think of a picture and a witty comment to accompany this point without crossing so many, many lines.

4) Spiders

Remember I wrote a posting about the biggest spider I had ever seen ever? Well, that was a complete crap post. There is a spider that lives in the window of my caravan right now that is the size of my face.

I thought I was getting over my fear of spiders. I mean there is SO MANY of them everywhere...and ever since Bastiaan left I'd had to become and man and stuff and get rid of my own spiders from the caravan. But the other day when Rico and I were cleaning out the shed he picked up a flat piece of wood with a m***er f***ing huge-ass spider and I actually screamed - causing him to freak out and launch the piece of wood across the lawn because he though there was a snake like clinging to the side of it or something...what a team! Also, I don't think snakes can just stick to stuff...like I've never seen a snake half way up a wall or anything...


5) Like every single plant

Ok the plants can't actually kill me, there are no giant venus fly traps capable of consuming an unsuspecting human, but everything in this tropical jungle will cause you some sort of pain.

What can't bite you, will spike you. And I'm not talking some pussy blackberry bush kinda thorns...

"Ouch! Woe is me, some little spike doth scraped my supple baby-soft hands as I gather some delicious blackberry fruit"

NOPE. This is more like...

"F&$%in F&#$! That evil shrub of death and destruction just used its inch long spikes to perhaps scar me for life! WHY? why do you produce such beautiful flowers to lure me in then rain barbed spikes into my body...Oh god there is so much blood....the blood is everywhere...oh wait, shit, that's a leech"

SO, Mystic Twig has definitely been an interesting time for me. Aside from the above-mentioned, this place has been an amazing experience. It was completely different from the chicken farm, but equally as rewarding and full of memories I will have forever.

I cannot believe my farming adventure is coming to a close. Time has absolutely flown by and though my body is pretty much at a state of disintegration, my mind has never been so awakened to the world around me and all of its possibilities.

I feel so lucky to have been the places I'd been and met the people I've met. My experiences will have a lasting affect on my life...and I have a feeling that this little adventure is really only the beginning.


Elise

So a lot has happened...

So as many of you know I left the chicken farm on October 15 and headed out to a rural cattle farm called Hill's Creek - more towards the north of NSW. I was very sad to leave Papanui - I had an amazing chicken-filled experience there, but it was time to move on.

I was lucky enough to actually hitch a ride with Bastiaan who was on his way to Bryon Bay to spend his last couple of weeks in Australia lounging on the beach and hitting on girls.  ;)  It worked out that he could drop me off right at my new farm on his way - well it was a bit of a detour, but what are friends for if not to drop you off in rural NSW and make sure you haven't landed in some kind of Deliverance scenario (apparently, Deliverance is some scary Aussie movie about backpacking-killing hicks in rural Australia).

After leaving Papanui, and realizing I would be the lone wwoofer on the new farm, you could say I had a bit of a freak out in the car as we approaching the driveway of my next farm.

Bastiaan: "So, I think the farm is coming up! Next driveway I think...excited?"
Me: "WHAT!!! ALREADY!? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???? DROP ME OFF RIGHT NOW!!!?? YOU CAN'T DROP ME OFF NOW!!!"
Bastiaan: "ahhhh...I could drive past if you want...."
ME: "YES! YES! YES!" *hyperventilating*



And so he drove past. I just wanted to see the next town alright? I just wanted to see the nearest civilization...

...well the 'town' of Jackadgery did nothing to calm my nerves.

It's a gas station and shitty eatery.

Anyways...after learning how to breathe normally again while standing in the Mann River in the lovely, bustling town of Jackadgery, Bastiaan did drive me back to Hill's Creek Farm. Boo.


Oh, how I wish I had just decided to scrap that farm and never look back...


Turns out that Hill Creek Farm was nothing like I thought it would be. I pictured something like:

 
Instead, Hill's Creek Farm turned out to be more like:

I could go on and on about how much of a misogynistic douche the farmer was, or that the only tone he used while explaining things to me was yelling, or that he made me work 8 hours a day...but instead I think you get the idea from the picture above and probably figure I was not having a good time of it at Hill's Creek. God the farmer was such an asshat.

OH! and I have to mention that I also conveniently left both my wallet and phone in Bastiaan's car and now I couldn't escape even if I wanted too. Just excellent! What an excellent thing for me to do! Why don't I just throw my passport into the sea for kicks!

Well, about 3 days into my stay at Hill's Creek I began to plan my escape (as I waited for my phone and wallet to arrive via snail mail)...because I honestly feared I would become so depressed at this farm of infinite unhappiness that I would be a shell of a person by the end of November.


Funny enough, Bastiaan was also not having an excellent time at Byron Bay and, to my overwhelming happiness, was quite open to suggestions.



Me: "I WILL PAY YOU TO COME GET ME OFF THIS FARM."
Bastiaan: "Hmmm, just so you know, a rental car is kinda expensive..."
Me: "I DO NOT GIVE TWO CRAPS HOW MUCH THE CAR COSTS!"
Bastiaan: "and I would have to get up at 6am to catch the bus to the car rental place..."
Me: "BAHHHHH!!!"
Bastiaan: "bahhh?"

Anyways, of course Bastiaan agree to come get me and I was so happy when he finally arrived at Hill's Creek Farm to rescue me that I literally danced up the stairs to get my stuff and burst out screaming in happiness as we drove away. (and of course he did come to get me completely out of his own free will and overwhelming desire to help out a friend in need)  :)


So, we left Hill's Creek behind and we headed for Mystic Tree Organics, just 15 minutes from Nimbin - the 'alternative lifestyle' capital of Australia...and it is exactly the hippy farm I was hoping for. I live in a caravan surrounded by jungle, wash in an outdoor shower, and learning about permaculture and how to live off the land.

Bastiaan joined me for a week and then it was time for him to head homeward, so now it is just me. We did have some pretty good times before he left though...



Like getting a python out of the kitchen.

Visiting Nimbin and taking advantage of its...well...alternative lifestyle.

And of course, turning into hippies!

So, I will be at Mystic Tree Organic until November 25th...and then I am done with my farm work!

It will be over before I know it...

Also, I've officially seen spiders the size of your head.


Elise.

On turning 26...farm-style.

As many of you were aware, I turned 26 last week on October 5th. Now if you were to ask me 5 years ago where I would be on my 26th birthday (or frankly, asked me last year) I'm pretty sure I would have NEVER guessed that I would be on a farm in New South Wales, Australia surrounded by chickens....yet there I was.

On the morning of my birthday I got up at the regular time (7:30am) and wandered out to eat my breakfast before Farmer Mark gave us the daily jobs. As I sat there, on my 26th birthday, eating my vegemite on toast (for my unknowing Canadian friends, vegemite is a lovely salty yeast paste), I honestly did not think that my day would be too hard. It's my freakin birthday! That must earn me some chill-axing time.

Well I was very, very wrong. That morning Farmer Mark gave us the one job that I was so sure I would not have to do during my stay at the farm. This job always kinda existed as a possibility for a horrible day sometime in the future, but I did not think it was in my future.

Not only was it apparently in my future...but it was on my birthday.

The job - to literally scrape and dig about a half a foot of chicken shit out of a coup that used to hold last year's baby chicks. And this was no small chicken coup.

Remember how cute these chicks were:

Well when it's your birthday and you are digging out and piling up so much chicken crap that it is creating a chicken crap mountain of smelly awfulness...those cute little chicks really lose their appeal.

About half way through the morning, Farmer Mark drove by on his quad bike.

Farmer Mark: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!"
Me (standing on chicken crap about to dig out more chicken crap, also beginning to get covered in chicken crap): "Thanks!"
Farmer Mark: "HA! I guess this won't be a birthday you will forget!"
Me: "No, no I don't think I'll ever forget this birthday."

It took us all morning to scrape out all that chicken crap. By lunchtime I don't think I could feel my arms and I wanted to punch a chicken in the face.



But the next evening (when it was my birthday in Canada), Farmer Mark's wife made me an amazing birthday dinner, followed by a birthday pavlova (it even had candles in it!). And on Saturday the guys gave me my birthday present...


































And (of course) a tiny chicken toy so that I may always take a chicken with me wherever I go!

(if you can't see, Johnny's t-shirt says "London, Paris, Rome, Merriwa, New York")


All in all, it was a very unique birthday, and not one I'll soon forget.


Elise

The magical ability of cows...

On Monday and Tuesday we had the chance to do some cattle work on the farm. Aside from driving around chicken buses, Farmer Mark also runs a cattle herd on his property. Our job - to help round-up, tag and emasculate all the new baby calves (and yes, emasculate is exactly what you are thinking it is).

We were all quite excited to start this new job, especially because it involved the cutest of the all the cows - babies! - but we soon realized that no matter how cute the calves are, giant animals that have fits of projectile shit can be really a downer.

The three of us - Bastiaan, me and Johnny (who is the new wwoofer from Wales - *insert sheep joke here*) - all headed out on Monday morning to separate the calves from their mothers.

The cows and their babies had been placed into holding pens already, we just had to now separate the cows into a different pen from the calves.

At first it was all "awwwwww they are so cute. Look at them with their moms, cutey wootey baby cows"

And then we watched the cute baby cow wander over to its mother. "Awwww" and then we watch it bump its cute baby head into her for attention "Awwwwwwww!" and then it made a baby cow moooo "AWWWWW!"

....and then we watched the mom just take a shit on its head. Just shit right on her baby's head. Everywhere. It was just everywhere.

It was about then that I realized that cows have this magic ability just to make it rain shit everywhere they go. I literally do not think they ever stop shitting. I swear I was standing about 15 feet from the nearest cow and shit still landed on me like it just rained from the sky. Twice. And that baby cow we saw get a royal shit on the head was only the beginning. By the time we separated all of the calves from the cows I was dirtier and smellier then I had ever been on the farm.

On Tuesday morning we all got up at the crack of dawn (literally 5:00am) because we needed to get an early start on tagging and castrating all of these calves.

I had the relatively easy job of documenting the entire process (ear tag number, M/F, etc) while the guys had the joy of  getting kicked, shit on and ran over by 168 baby cows.

This process was only supposed to take us 3 hours, but it ended up taking us 6 hours because every 5 seconds a mob of angry mother cows would bust through a fence in the yard and we would have to go chasing after them with giant rattles on a stick to herd them back out. Yeah, cows are scared of giant rattles. You can get them to run anywhere by making a slight jingling noise. Those long tube things that make rain noises when you flip them upside-down - those would be gold for herding mob of cattle.

 All and all, it was quite the long and smelly day on the farm.

Elise

The chicken that tried to commit suicide.

So every morning a couple of of us jump on the quad bike (which is now just sparkling and completely spider-free) and drive around to all of the chicken buses. It is mainly to check and make sure the chickens are a) alive, b) have food and water, and c) aren't starting a revolution to kill all humans. We also usually take a couple of the working dogs with us (Sandy the Beautiful, Submissive Claire and April ADHD) and they happily sit on the back of the bike and come along for a ride.

One morning Bastiaan had the brilliant idea to bring all 5 dogs with us to check the chickens.

Me: "This is a really bad idea."
Bastiaan: "No, it will be awesome!"
Me: "This is a really bad idea"

Well, I have to say that it is quite a challenge to have 5 dogs in the back of the quad bike when one of them (Boris the Disgusting) is trying to make sweet sweet love to Sandy the Beautiful (who is also his mother...but Boris doesn't seem to mind the whole incest taboo as he has previously impregnated his sister - hence the existence of April ADHD).

So because it is awkward (on many levels) to drive a dog-humping quad bike, never again did 5 dogs join us on the morning chicken check up.

ANYWAYS,

Yesterday morning Bastiaan and I took 3 dogs on the back of the bike to the the normal run around. When we got to the first set of chicken buses it was my job to check the ground for any eggs (these are collected and fed to the dogs that guard the buses at night). After 3 weeks on the chicken farm, I generally know the areas that we will find eggs on the ground. Chickens may be murderous cannibals hell bent on dominating the human race, but they still comply with the general rules of offspring survival - a.k.a. don't lay an egg in the middle of the grass so that an eagle can see it from space.

So I was looking for eggs behind the tires of the chicken food trailer when I saw a chicken trying to commit suicide.

See if you can picture this:
The trailer tires are about 3 feet high, the top of the axle sits about 2 feet off the ground - and a chicken is about 1.5 feet high. This suicidal chicken had managed to jump half way up the tire axle and somehow catch its neck between the tire and the axle - suspending its stupid chicken body about 2 inches off the ground.

I thought it was dead. I even poked at it a couple of times with a rake to make sure. I also didn't really feel like prying the chicken who committed suicide off of the tire so I simply told Bastiaan that a chicken had committed suicide on the trailer and that maybe he should gather it up before the other chickens realize there is a dead chicken in their presence and they peck its face off (and by face I mean all of its insides).

Well apparently, when he pealed the chicken neck off of the tire, the stupid chicken actually took in a gasp of air, made some chicken noises, and and started walking away like nothing ever happened.

I have NO IDEA how long it had been hanging itself, but now the apparent immorality of the chicken adds an entirely new element to their murderous ability.



So the chicken my not have committed suicide via hanging but, I still stand my statement that this chicken did commit suicide by throwing itself in front of the truck while I was driving...

Or it was already dead before I got there and that's why it didn't move out of the way.




I did not swash a chicken with the truck.





I also did not swash a chick with its water container.





All suicide.






Elise

The biggest spider that has ever existed ever.

So when we are not collecting eggs, carrying eggs, throwing away eggs, eating eggs (seriously how many eggs is healthy to eat in one day? is 6 too many?), we are working odd jobs around the farm.

Yesterday I took on the job of cleaning the quad bikes. I really don't think they have been cleaned since the dawning of time. The 'mud' (aka cow shit) that I has to scrape off of the underside of one of the quads was unreal. I tried using the hose, then a stick, then I gave up and was using my hands (GLOVED!) to clean this bike.

Well one of the other workers, Bastiaan, was helping me to clean out some old buckets from the back of the bike before I hosed down everything. I don`t know where these buckets had been sitting, my guess is somewhere evil, because apparently the biggest spider that has ever existed to the world had been living in one of them. Only when I saw the spider it was not in the bucket anymore....

ME: ``BLLLAAAHHHHHH ARRGGGEEEEE  AHHHHHHHH! THE BIGGEST F%$#IN SPIDER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS ON YOU!!!"

I'm quite afraid of spiders, especially in Australian where most of them can kill you.

ME (about 30 feet away by now and yelling): " IT'S ON YOU! IT'S ON YOU! IT'S ON YOU! BLAHHH"

So I ran away (quite gladly) and did get the Poisons Spiders of Australia book. While Bastiaan (quite calmly) let the biggest spider that has ever existed ever, just crawl around him.

So I got the book and we looked up the spider (while it was still on Bastiaan) and it turns out it wasn't so poisonous.


Doesn't make it any less terrifying.

Elise

Chickies!!! :D :D

Grown chickens may be terrifying, but nothing is cuter then a day-old chick. About 3 times a year Farmer Mark gets a batch of new chicks to raise that will replace the oldest chickens on the farm (how can you tell they are the oldest chickens on the farm?....well, most of them are pretty much so featherless that they begin to look like the chicken you find in the supermarket...only these will still murder you in the night.)

So to replace the increasingly ugly and unproductive chickens, Farmer Mark gets new cute little baby chickens. On Thursday, September 1st, 1200 chicks arrived at Papanui Farm and we all fell in love. After unloading boxes and boxes filled with little, fluffy, cheeping angel birds, the three of us just sat in their pen and cuddled chicks.

I've decided that even though chickens are evil creatures,

I

LOVE

CHICKS

SOOOOO MUCHHHH!!!!!

...and they love me!


The chicks need to live in a perfect environment in order to avoid dieing. This means that the temperature in their enclosure needs to just right....somewhere between 26*C and 30*C. Farmer Mark has set up this temperature warning system that monitors the warmth of the enclosure and sends out a warning alarm if it is too cold or too warm.

This is literally what the alarm is:

And this could ring at all hours...

Well, this weekend Farmer Mark had to leave the farm and decided to give us 3 radios that would broadcast an alarm if the chicks needed attention. I have to say, Adeline and I slept perfectly all weekend - not once did the alarm wake us up....but that was probably because Bastiaan was so concerned with making sure we didn't cook or freeze any of the chicks to death, that he basically began caring for them like they were his fluffy, cheepy babies.

....I think one night he was up three times to check the chicks after having terrible dreams that they were all dead. All 1200. Just dead.

And it was quite considerate of him to turn down the alarm so it didn't wake Adeline and I up.

Now after 2 long nights (for Bastiaan) Farmer Mark is back and he returns to most of his chicks (minus a couple here or there...)


Elise